Winter’s End

Yesterday I stood in my kitchen watching my son play in the snow in our backyard. It is still winter here. It’s cold and the snow continues to fall. Ice is everywhere. Yet, as I stood there, I had an overwhelming sense of spring fever. And I heard the voice of the Lord say “spring is coming”.

For many of you, the last weeks, months and years have felt like an eternal winter. It has been as through spring would never come. The soil of your life has been frozen and you have lacked seed for the planting. Your ministry, family and finances have seemed barren. Even in your efforts to plant, nothing has borne fruit. Every door has been closed, every effort seems in vain. The long winter has caused you to grow weary and discouraged. Doubt about His faithfulness has crept in. Many of you have even fallen into despair and depression. You have questioned the call on your life and the promises you once believed so passionately.

BUT SPRING IS COMING!!!!!! Frozen soil is thawing. The cold is giving way to warmth, sunshine and new growth. Barren fields will soon be covered in the brilliance of color. Now is the time to ask for seed. Ask for your strategy. Ask for divine provision and appointment. Look for the open doors and begin to plant. Pour yourself out. Declare His faithfulness. Declare your identity. Trust in His provision and guidance. And expect a harvest. Winter is coming to an end.

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18 & 19

Modern Day Pilgrim: A New Path

 

I sat on the couch in my spotless family room, having coffee with a friend. As we talked, she kept commenting on the peace she felt in my home. While I knew the presence of God was there, my heart was no longer there. My house was finally on the market and my family was preparing to leave Medicine Hat. For ten years, we had hoped and prayed to move on. We had known for a long time that we were not at home there. Our hearts longed to take the next step in our journey, knowing that adventure awaited us around the corner. I was completely at peace with our decision to leave.

We had it all planned out. We would sell the house, pay off some of the debt that had been acquired while we lived as a one income family, and buy our next home in Red Deer. However, God had other plans for us. I looked across the couch at my friend as she told me of the struggles they were having in their current home. I knew that life was difficult for her and her family, but I had never realized just how difficult before that moment. As I listened to her, my heart began to cry out “Lord, I want to help. If you will make a way, they can have this house.” As much as I desired to help, I was not able to see a way. Our financial situation was bleak as it was and I felt helpless.

The days passed, the realtor continued to show the house, and still nothing happened. I continued to be reminded of my friend and her young family, struggling and desperate. I prayed for God to make a way if this home was to be their home. Then, one Sunday at church, we went to receive prayer for the sale of our home. Before he began to pray for us, the Pastor spoke a word that gripped our hearts and set our feet on a very unexpected path. He said “the couple that God is going to bring to buy your house is in torment. They need that home not because of the size or the kitchen or the location, but because of the peace that dwells there”. I knew he spoke of my friend but I still did not know how he was going to work things out since I knew her family was not in a position to buy. Little did I know that God was also speaking to my husband as well as her family.

The following week in church, she asked me what the word was that was spoken over us. When I told her, tears filled her eyes and she said “I believe we are your couple in torment”. God did not do things the way I expected or even wanted Him to, but because of His hand on all of our lives, they are now living in their new home and we are on a brand new path in brand new city.

From that moment on, I have been on a journey. Back to a place of bold, audacious faith. Back to believing that when God places a desire in your heart, He will fulfill it. Back to expecting Him to do the unexpected when I am not able to see a way out. Back to trusting His voice and holding on to what He says, no matter how dismal or impossible things appear. Back to partnering in the miraculous to see broken hearts restored and shattered hope renewed. My path since He first spoke to my heart about my friend has been full of twists and turns. Sometimes there has been doubt and most days I have no idea what He is up to. But I do know this: I never want to go back to predictable again.

This was just the beginning; join me as I share the story of a modern day pilgrim.

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Second Class Citizen

I recently decided to quit living as a stranger in a foreign land. For many years, I have had a sense of being on the outside looking in on the great things of the Kingdom. I have watched as those around me have accomplished more than I ever could have hoped for. They were living their dreams while I was trapped by mine. Yearning for more but stuck in the land of mediocrity and unfulfilled longing.

Before long, jealousy began to take root in my heart. Then bitterness. Then worthlessness. I went from being in love with God to feeling rejected by Him and by His people. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why couldn’t I make my life count for something? Why did God give me a dream I would never see come to pass? Was I going to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines, watching God move but never being invited into the game?

I found myself unable to really enter into the family of God. I was too busy comparing myself and my life to everyone around me. Insecurity and inadequacy were my constant companions, preventing me from enjoying the gifts others brought to the table. I had accepted my lot as a second class citizen in the Kingdom.

My vision had been tainted by my experience. I saw that God had two types of children:

Those He was truly proud of and those He simply tolerated.

Those He desired to lavish blessing on and those for whom He provided the bare minimum.

Those who walked in His favor and those who walked in the shadow cast by their siblings.

Those who mattered and those who merely existed.

I tried to overcome my orphan mentality. I tried to believe what the Word said about who I was. I tried to explain it away every time I saw someone walk in the blessing I was seeking. I tried to love God even though He treated me like an unwanted step child instead of a chosen daughter. But my efforts failed.

Nothing I said or did seemed to get my Father’s attention. My broken heart did not seem to break His. My desperate cries fell on deaf ears. My longing was left unfulfilled. My requests were overlooked. I did not belong in this family. God did not choose me, He was stuck with me.

I wish I could tell you that God broke into my life in a powerful, dramatic way and set me free from the prison of my heart and mind. I would love to say that I never struggle with feeling overlooked anymore. If I could, I would share how God released me fully into everything I have been waiting for and I have never looked back.

I can not say any of that. What I can say is that day by day, little by little, my heavenly Father is whispering in my ear about who I am. He is speaking truth into a minefield of lies. Some wounds are deeper than others. Some have been there longer. Some are proving to be more difficult to heal.

Now, I know that I am chosen. I know that I am loved. I may not be walking in everything I have been hoping for, but I am walking in the unfailing love of the One who created me. I am beginning to believe that what He brings is His best, even if it is not what I would have chosen. I am daring to step into the arena and connect with my brothers and sisters again. I am choosing to live like I belong here.

Do you feel like a Kingdom outcast today? Listen to the quiet voice in your heart, telling you: ‘you are chosen, you are loved, you are mine’. Nothing else matters.

Are You Okay?

Are you okay mom? That is becoming a regular question around my home lately as my daughter is noticing that I have just not been myself. Many days, I feel as though I am losing the battle with fear, discouragement and condemnation. Struggles I long believed to have gained victory over have returned to the surface of my heart and mind with a vengeance, often leaving me weak and overwhelmed.

In these moments, every well meaning yet ultimately fruitless piece of advice I have been given over the years begins to run through my mind:

“When the battle is hardest, that is when you must press in to take hold of your victory”.

“You just need to read the Word more.”

“There is a lesson to be learned in this.”

“Maybe you have opened a door to the enemy.”

“I know a formula to break free from the curse you are under.”

“You should take this program, it worked when I was struggling.”

“You wouldn’t be facing this much opposition if you were not heading in the right direction.”

“It is a timing thing.”

“You need to change your heart.”

“If God was going to do it, he would have done it by now.”

And on and on the list goes. The result? I am confused and even more hopeless than I was to begin with. Is there some truth to these words? Perhaps. But I know one thing to be true: when I begin working myself into a frenzy to try and find the solution, I end up frustrated and, often times, angry with God for not coming to my rescue.

When I think He should be speaking clearly, He remains silent. When I seek answers, I am faced with more questions. When I believe my answer is on the way, I am met with yet another season of waiting. The days, months and years pass and still I am left longing for a breakthrough that seems more unattainable now than it ever has.

I don’t need Sunday school answers. I will not be set free by a formula. Answers offered in these times are often offered only because there is nothing else to say.

What do I need?

I need to wrestle with God. I need to ask the difficult and painful questions and find out if I am content with never getting the answers I am looking for. I need to face my fear. I need to look years of guilt and regret in the face and decide if I will continue to dwell or pick up and move on.

I need to settle in my own heart the issue of the goodness of God. If I never get what I long for, is God still good? Has he allowed me to waste ten years of my life hoping and waiting for a promise that was never mine to have? Is He truly willing to take the rubble of my life and turn it into something worth living for? Or has He withheld everything good from me?

I need to stop looking to people to fix me. I am not broken. I am not a project. I am a child of God. I struggle. I fail. I cry. I doubt. I judge. I quit. I screw up. And deep down, I hope.

I hope that I have not fallen too far to be redeemed. I hope that despite appearances and the opinions of others, my dreams will still come true. I hope that all the waiting and trying and struggling have not been in vain. I hope that breakthrough, as far off as it seems, has not eluded me.

Am I okay? As long as I never quit wrestling, I will always be okay.

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Ask a New Question

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

There it is. The question that is so often asked in order to motivate us into moving forward with a dream. When we begin to think outside of our limitations, we see how much more our lives could be.

If finances were readily available, we would not have to choose between pursuing our dreams and feeding our family.

If we had all the support we needed, we would not have to fear going it alone.

If failure was impossible, we would never have to think twice about running hard after the thing that burns deeply within us.

Asking the question may help you think about what you would be doing with your life under ideal circumstances, but the truth is, circumstances are very rarely ideal. Failure is always a very real possibility.

The issue is not with the answers. The issue is with the question. You cannot always lift the limitations you find yourself under. When you do not have what you need to live your dream, asking the question can leave you feeling frustrated and discouraged. It is easier to ignore the dream than to have your heart broken longing for something you know may never come to pass.

The very dream within your heart can seem a lot more like a nightmare when you cannot seem to attain it. Advice from others only frustrates you more. Knowing that the hindrances in your way are immovable for the time being creates a sense of hopelessness. Nothing you try gets you any closer to the vision. Opinions and questions from well meaning loved ones flood in and overwhelm, causing you to question the dream. Before long, you choose not to share your heart because you know that nobody will understand why you seem unable to move forward or why you don’t just give up. It is never going to happen anyway, right?

Don’t quit dreaming; ask a new question.

What would you do if the only opinion you had to consider was the opinion of God?

No matter how much your family and friends love you, they are not carrying your dream; you are. They do not feel the ache that comes from unfulfilled longing; you do. They have not experienced the wall that seems to keep popping up and blocking your way; you have.

Continue to be thankful for and love the people in your life, but do not give them the place only God deserves.

Only God knows the timing of your calling.

Only God truly sees your heart and knows your struggle.

Only God knows exactly what you need to fulfill your purpose.

Only God knows what is really in the way of your dreams.

Only God can open the right doors at the right time.

Only the opinion of God matters.

Again, I ask: What would you do if the only opinion you had to consider was the opinion of God?

Would you continue to believe even when others tell you it is never going to happen?

Would you trust Him to lead you where you need to go?

Would you lean into Him, knowing that His will is perfect?

Would you hope even when all hope should be gone?

Would you try again no matter how many times you have already failed?

Would you wait even when everyone else thinks you should be doing something?

Would you go, even if you have to go alone?

Make God’s opinion the only one that matters today and peace will flood your heart and mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Where’s the Shortcut?

Trials produce perseverance. Despite the pain they often cause, trials have immeasurable value when it comes to growing into the person you are destined to become. There are no short cuts to true spiritual maturity for God knows that it is only by walking through the fire, one step at a time, that the worthlessness of the world will be burned away.

Knowing that does not necessarily change the way we see trials in life or the way we approach them. Sometimes, knowing that good will come from what we are going through is not enough to keep us there. We get uncomfortable and we hide. We run. We deny. We escape. We do whatever we can think of to avoid the pain. Then, when we emerge from hiding, we are no further along than we were when we started and we have not allowed the trial to serve the purpose God had for it.

So, if knowing that you are developing perseverance in the storm does not help you see the hope in the depth of the pain, consider that you are also on the path to personal revival and awakening. If you are anything like me, you would love to be able to fly past the painful part right into the season of new life. But the old must pass away before the new can be born.

Allow the sickness in your family to rid you of your tendency to blame God and lean on your own self sufficiency. If you will be open to the work of Holy Spirit, He will create in you complete dependence on and faith in God.

Do not grow discouraged by the loved one you are praying for who seems to walk further and further away from God. Allow your desire to see them come to know Him to drive you to your knees in desperation and renewed hope when it would be easier to quit.

Allow a bleak financial situation to open your eyes to the truth: He is your provider. Look not to what you can do on your own, but to what He has given you and what He is able to do in, for and through you.

A difficult marriage is not an excuse to give up and walk out. You have been given an opportunity, through the power of Holy Spirit, to relinquish your rights and demonstrate a selfless love so rarely seen in marriage today. He can breathe new life into a dead and barren relationship.

In the midst of your crisis, take a step back, breathe and see it for what it really is: an invitation to come up higher in your relationship with God and to dive down deeper into the knowledge of Him.

There is only one way to get there. You can not go over, under or around. You must go through.

 

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Believe: One More Time

So many Christians are stuck in a rut. Ten, fifteen, or twenty years after they began walking with God, they are still struggling with the same sin, the same addictions, the same attitudes. Are you one of those Christians?

For a long time, I was. Bitterness and unforgiveness had taken root in my heart and it seemed no matter what I did, how much I prayed or what I told myself, I could not shake free from it. Being trapped like that eventually led to a place of discouragement and depression as well and I had no idea how I was ever going to overcome.

Living in the past was robbing me of the new thing God wanted to do in my present and for my future. I had tried and failed so many times in my quest to forgive and find peace and joy that I questioned if it would ever happen.

I was once told “past behavior is an indicator of future behavior”. If that were always true, I would have no hope of ever becoming more like Christ. My fallen nature and the choices I made in the past would continue to dictate how I lived my life and I would remain unchanged. The truth is, the power of Holy Spirit enables me to plow through every rut, move every mountain and conquer every sin.

Have you quit trying to overcome because you have tried and failed one time too many? Not seeing results when you are working towards something can really take the wind out of your sails. It can leave you feeling hopeless, discouraged and frustrated. Questions start to bubble under the surface: “what’s the point?” “Is God really going to help me through this?” “If I am more than a conqueror, why can’t I beat this?” “How many times do I have to fail before it just makes sense to give up?” “What are people thinking when I keep losing the battle?”

Victory over the barrier between you and the life you desire to live in Him is always worth fighting for. When you are weak, He is working in strength on your behalf. When you no longer know how to pray, He is interceding for you. When all you see from every angle is defeat, He is making a way out. When you are ready to give up, His Holy Spirit is breathing new life and perseverance to try one last time.

If you have been fighting for your marriage and you see no improvement in sight, stay the course one more day.

If that addiction seems to have you beaten, say “no” one more time.

If you are ready to give up on seeing that loved one saved, pray one more time.

If sin seems too powerful to defeat, resist one more time.

If you have been believing for a turn around in your finances, sow one more time.

If you have yet to see your dream come to pass, believe for one more day.

Then get up tomorrow and do it again. And again. And again.

One day at a time. One sin at a time. One craving at a time. One prayer at a time.

Your past does not have to dictate your future. God is doing a new thing. Forget what is behind and believe that just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will.

Marked: An Excerpt

Happy Monday everyone! Here is an excerpt from my eBook released a couple of weeks ago. There is a link at the bottom if you would like to download the full version.

Blessings!

After everything I endured growing up, I had no idea that the first eight years of my marriage would be the hardest years of my life. We battled not only against my husband’s addiction to pornography, but against poverty, rejection, loss and depression. At times, I thought I would be crushed under the weight of daily life. We had a long, hard road ahead of us if we ever wanted to walk in true freedom.

When pornography invaded my marriage, I realized how much of a betrayal it is. Having a husband with this addiction is not just about what he is looking at. It is about being cheated on without the actual affair. It is about feeling inadequate every moment of every day. It is about believing that no matter how little you eat or how much you work out, you will never measure up to what he is looking at in secret.

Feelings of worthlessness were creeping in. I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I wanted to be intimate with my husband but at the same time, I never wanted him to touch me again. I felt like a child being robbed of her innocence all over again. I began to question if I should have married him if this was what I had to look forward to for the rest of my life. On the outside, we were the perfect couple with the perfect marriage and the perfect ministry.

On the inside we were broken and ashamed.

For eight long years we fought this battle. I had seen deliverance so I believed it was there. In the midst of the anguish, God gave me an unfailing love for my husband and an ability to persevere in prayer long after I wanted to quit.

Yet even as I prayed, my self-worth was slowly being chipped away. I began to fantasize about being married to someone who would not put me through the pain of what I was dealing with. I could not be intimate with my husband without wondering who he was actually seeing or thinking about. I had never felt so ugly in my entire life. I wanted to leave but by this time we had three children and I could not imagine putting them through the pain of losing their father.

I turned to God and asked him to step in. I prayed that He would deliver my husband and we could move forward into the dreams we had. But He didn’t. I felt like God was turning a deaf ear to my cries. Little did I know that in the midst of my deepest pain, He was doing more than I could have imagined. I started to notice that when I would find evidence of pornography in the house, it would hurt less. Before long, my husband’s addiction lost the power to control me. God began to build me back up even as my husband continued to look elsewhere. He restored my worth and kept a guard around my heart. I was able to pray for my husband without feeling betrayed.

For another two years after God stepped in and placed a guard around my heart, my husband remained bound. I saw how desperately he wanted to be free and I realized how much it bothered him to know he was hurting me. He desired to be pure. He wanted a right relationship with God.

He was on his face crying out for healing and deliverance, and I was crying out with him. We were determined that our marriage would withstand the onslaught no matter how long it took.

Our freedom came through years of tears, prayer and struggle. Many times, we wanted to quit. Believing that we would one day be free often felt like an impossible task but the One who promised us freedom is faithful. When we were too weak to fight, He fought on our behalf. When we were ready to admit defeat, He stirred up that one last ounce of determination in our hearts. It was never easy, but it was worth it.

Eight years after the fight began, we emerged victorious. Our home is now completely free from addiction. Our marriage has been strengthened and renewed. We have a dream and a vision for our future. God is at the center of our family and we have a faith that cannot be shaken. God is our redeemer. We have seen deliverance and we will spend the rest of our lives sharing what He brought us through so that you will see it too.

Never give up until your struggle becomes your testimony.

To read my complete testimony, click here to download your FREE copy of Marked: the story of a desperate girl and the God who redeemed her.

Of No Reputation

Anytime you do something great for the Kingdom of God, you risk judgment, condemnation and rejection. In order to reach people where they are, it is often necessary to remember where you came from. Once you go there, you become vulnerable.

I came face-to-face with that reality yesterday when I released my testimony as an eBook. For the first time in my life, I spoke the whole truth about my life and what God has brought me through. I opened up about my childhood, my past and the struggles of my marriage. And I felt sick doing it.

I knew once those words were out there, they could not be taken back.

Not only was my life wide open to be judged and criticized by others, so was my husband’s. Writing that eBook, I faltered back and forth, asking myself if I should cut some of the content out to ensure that others were not offended and I was not completely exposed.

Then I thought about the teenager living with an alcoholic parent. I thought about the young woman who is pregnant, alone and ashamed. I considered the wife being robbed of her worth and dignity because of adultery or pornography. I pictured the young man trapped in the shame of private addiction. I felt the grief of loss and depression. My heart broke for every life shattered by lust, addiction or abuse with no glimmer of hope in sight.

The question then became not whether or not I should cut the content, but whether or not I was willing to be judged by many to help one. Was I prepared to face an onslaught of scrutiny and rejection if it meant that one person could come to believe that God had not left them and deliverance was on the way?

No question.

After what God has done for me, how could I possibly refuse to share it for His glory and the healing of those He loves? I took the leap and trusted God with the rest, knowing that He is my defender and the lifter of my head. I need not walk in shame or condemnation because He has set me free. I do not dwell on my time in Egypt because He has brought me to the Promised Land. I am free from the power of sin. And so are you.

If you know Him, He has already done a work in your life. He has brought freedom somewhere. He has healed you somehow. He has lifted you out of the pit and set your feet on a rock. He has redeemed you and given you a new life. Now someone, somewhere needs to hear what He has done for you so they can believe He will do the same for them.

Now, He asks “Will you sacrifice your reputation on the altar of  love and obedience to reach the lost, the hurting and the vulnerable”?

To receive your FREE copy of Marked: the story of a desperate girl and the God who redeemed her, please visit the Free eBook page and click the link to download.

Has God Forgotten?

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29 NIV

How long has it been since you saw Him? Felt His presence? Witnessed a miracle? Heard His voice? Had a prayer answered?

If it has been so long that you cannot remember when the last time was, you are not alone. Sometimes true faith requires that we continue to believe even when we do not see.

In your most desperate seasons, when you feel dry and alone, it becomes easier to doubt the promises of God.

When the Word tells you God will provide and yet, month after month, you are struggling to make ends meet, fear creeps in. When you do not know if you will be able to afford to keep your home, how could you possibly take comfort in promises that do not seem to apply to you?

When you are gripped by the power of addiction and no matter what you do, you cannot break free, you wonder why you seem to have no power to overcome sin the way you have been promised. If Jesus sets people free and free indeed, why do you remain bound?

When your marriage is falling apart and everything you do to save it only makes it worse, you wonder where the deliverance of God is. If marriage is so close to His heart, why doesn’t He care about yours?

When your children have strayed from the path and keep getting closer and closer to danger, you feel like God is turning a deaf ear to your cries. If He cherishes the prayers of the saints, why is He ignoring yours?

When sickness has taken over and healing will not come, you begin to feel overlooked and abandoned. If God promises healing, why are you still sick?

God has not forsaken you. He is not withholding good things from you. He is not angry. He is not punishing you. He is not ignoring you. He has not forgotten about you.

There is no 4-Step formula to unlock the promises of God. Nothing I say here will cause you to wake up in the morning with a new set of circumstances. There are no right words to pray, no approach to spiritual warfare that you have not learned that holds the answers you have been missing all your life. Faith is a struggle that often requires believing past the point of wanting to quit.

He is working while you are waiting. When you do not see, He is increasing your faith. In the midst of the dryness and the silence, God is still there. One day, morning will dawn and the promise will come.

For now, believe even when you do not see. Keep crying out to God. Keeping seeking. Keep worshiping. Declare the Scripture like it was written for you. Hold tight to the promises until they come to pass. Do not relent until breakthrough comes.

How do you keep believing when God seems absent?