I recently decided to quit living as a stranger in a foreign land. For many years, I have had a sense of being on the outside looking in on the great things of the Kingdom. I have watched as those around me have accomplished more than I ever could have hoped for. They were living their dreams while I was trapped by mine. Yearning for more but stuck in the land of mediocrity and unfulfilled longing.
Before long, jealousy began to take root in my heart. Then bitterness. Then worthlessness. I went from being in love with God to feeling rejected by Him and by His people. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why couldn’t I make my life count for something? Why did God give me a dream I would never see come to pass? Was I going to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines, watching God move but never being invited into the game?
I found myself unable to really enter into the family of God. I was too busy comparing myself and my life to everyone around me. Insecurity and inadequacy were my constant companions, preventing me from enjoying the gifts others brought to the table. I had accepted my lot as a second class citizen in the Kingdom.
My vision had been tainted by my experience. I saw that God had two types of children:
Those He was truly proud of and those He simply tolerated.
Those He desired to lavish blessing on and those for whom He provided the bare minimum.
Those who walked in His favor and those who walked in the shadow cast by their siblings.
Those who mattered and those who merely existed.
I tried to overcome my orphan mentality. I tried to believe what the Word said about who I was. I tried to explain it away every time I saw someone walk in the blessing I was seeking. I tried to love God even though He treated me like an unwanted step child instead of a chosen daughter. But my efforts failed.
Nothing I said or did seemed to get my Father’s attention. My broken heart did not seem to break His. My desperate cries fell on deaf ears. My longing was left unfulfilled. My requests were overlooked. I did not belong in this family. God did not choose me, He was stuck with me.
I wish I could tell you that God broke into my life in a powerful, dramatic way and set me free from the prison of my heart and mind. I would love to say that I never struggle with feeling overlooked anymore. If I could, I would share how God released me fully into everything I have been waiting for and I have never looked back.
I can not say any of that. What I can say is that day by day, little by little, my heavenly Father is whispering in my ear about who I am. He is speaking truth into a minefield of lies. Some wounds are deeper than others. Some have been there longer. Some are proving to be more difficult to heal.
Now, I know that I am chosen. I know that I am loved. I may not be walking in everything I have been hoping for, but I am walking in the unfailing love of the One who created me. I am beginning to believe that what He brings is His best, even if it is not what I would have chosen. I am daring to step into the arena and connect with my brothers and sisters again. I am choosing to live like I belong here.
Do you feel like a Kingdom outcast today? Listen to the quiet voice in your heart, telling you: ‘you are chosen, you are loved, you are mine’. Nothing else matters.
Fire Starter 