Winter’s End

Yesterday I stood in my kitchen watching my son play in the snow in our backyard. It is still winter here. It’s cold and the snow continues to fall. Ice is everywhere. Yet, as I stood there, I had an overwhelming sense of spring fever. And I heard the voice of the Lord say “spring is coming”.

For many of you, the last weeks, months and years have felt like an eternal winter. It has been as through spring would never come. The soil of your life has been frozen and you have lacked seed for the planting. Your ministry, family and finances have seemed barren. Even in your efforts to plant, nothing has borne fruit. Every door has been closed, every effort seems in vain. The long winter has caused you to grow weary and discouraged. Doubt about His faithfulness has crept in. Many of you have even fallen into despair and depression. You have questioned the call on your life and the promises you once believed so passionately.

BUT SPRING IS COMING!!!!!! Frozen soil is thawing. The cold is giving way to warmth, sunshine and new growth. Barren fields will soon be covered in the brilliance of color. Now is the time to ask for seed. Ask for your strategy. Ask for divine provision and appointment. Look for the open doors and begin to plant. Pour yourself out. Declare His faithfulness. Declare your identity. Trust in His provision and guidance. And expect a harvest. Winter is coming to an end.

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18 & 19

Marked

If you are a new follower, welcome and thank you for joining! Last year, I released my testimony as a short eBook. Marked is the story of how God delivered me from a lifestyle of promiscuity, addiction and depression. If you have not had a chance to download it yet, I invite you to do so. It is free and always will be. If you know of anyone who needs some hope and encouragement today, please pass it on. You can get your copy here. Once again, thanks and welcome!

Modern Day Pilgrim: New Territory

I used to believe that as long as God called me to do something, I could do it. I did not need help or blessing from man if I had God on my side. While it is true that the power of God and His will for my life far supersede any blessing I could receive from man, there is a reason He chooses to involve other people in my journey of preparation as I set out to fulfill the destiny He has set before me. He knows that I need people around me. There are those He has brought into my life as a source of support and there are those He desires to use to impart something into my life I would otherwise be lacking.

This gift of impartation is what I find myself seeking on this part of my journey. After God called me, I spent eight long years in the desert being prepared by the Spirit. Now, I have stepped into entirely unfamiliar territory. I thought that when the desert season came to a close, He would launch me into my ministry and I would hit the ground running. However, there seems to be another stop to make.

When we were preparing to leave Medicine Hat, we did everything we could think of to make the transition a smooth one. We have never moved our family out of the city before and we were already overwhelmed by the task. Knowing that we were going to a city with a higher cost of living, Shane and I decided I would go back to work. We both found good jobs and we thought that it would be no problem for us to find a place to live and move forward with our lives. God had a better idea.

The path we were on led us to move in with some friends. At the time, I was confused and discouraged. Why was this necessary? We were finally in a position where money was not going to be an issue. Why couldn’t we just find a home of our own and be on our way?

I got my answer within a week of moving. I was unable to find childcare for before and after school. No matter what we did to try and sort it out, it was not going to work. I had to decline my job. Now we are back down to one income and what Shane makes is just what we need to afford to live where we are right now.

Once again, I hit my knees. I was full of questions, but I knew that God had brought us this far. He was not going to leave this unfinished. There was purpose behind what appeared to be chaos.

Why couldn’t God make the details work so I could work? Why is ninety percent of what we own in storage? Why am I home when I could be working? The answer is one that I am still surprised by. Although I only see in part, I can see enough to know how amazing God’s plans have been from the beginning. How He has orchestrated every single detail from the moment He called us to leave Medicine Hat. Never, in all my years of following Him, have I seen His hand so obviously upon the course of my life.

He brought this all together so He could send us to receive. The next few months will have us traveling as we seek out the impartation He has for us so that we can come back here and pour out into our city and nation that which He has so generously poured into us. I do not know all the places we will be going yet. I do know this: if we had not experienced what seemed to be one disappointment after another, we would not be ready to go where He is preparing to send us. I welcome your prayers during this time as we are going somewhere in the Spirit we have never been before.

Join me as I set out on a modern day pilgrimage…

Modern Day Pilgrim: The Longing

 

A year and a half ago I grew dissatisfied with life as I knew it. For eight years I had been preaching and teaching the Word. I witnessed people experience breakthrough as the truth penetrated their hearts and Jesus set them free. I had received a great deal of deliverance myself. I knew that He was faithful to heal and restore. I believed that His power was available to all who would seek Him with all their hearts. I trusted that the God of Acts was still alive and well, desiring to pour out His Spirit on a church that longs for Him.

But what I read in the pages of the Bible and what I knew to be true in my own life were worlds apart. I had only glimpsed His presence and power. I wanted so much more. There was nothing I desired more than to fulfill the calling God had placed on my life, but I wanted to do it with power. I didn’t just want to preach a sermon, I wanted to carry an anointing that would break the yoke of bondage off of the lives of everyone it came into contact with. When people left the room, I wanted them not to remember who I was or how good the message was, but how powerful their encounter with God had been. I longed to be a vessel through which His power could freely flow. Signs and wonders were something I had only ever read about, but I began to wonder if it was possible that God would use me in that way. Before then, I was always happy just to teach and preach. Not knowing what else to do with this brand new stirring in my Spirit, I began to pray.

I prayed for the Holy Spirit to begin to break down the walls that stood in the way of the fullness of what He wanted to release in and through me. The church I was raised up in was not one who walked in these things, so I was in unfamiliar territory. At times, I did not even know how to pray. Often, I doubted that there would ever come a day when I would see my hearts desire come to pass. My mind battled against what my Spirit knew to be true. Religious mind sets were almost overwhelming but I refused to give up until I began to see what I now believe to be an invitation and promise from the Father. I knew that if I would press in, I would see it one day.

Since that time a year and a half ago, I have seen in small part what I have been seeking. These are the days of small beginnings in this new dimension of my calling. I am still learning, seeking and growing but God is taking me on a journey to go as deep into the things of the Spirit as I am willing to be led.

It was, to a certain extent, this desire that led our family to leave Medicine Hat. The more we prayed for God to release His anointing, the more He began to lead us places we have never been before. It has been one step at a time and I am still not able to answer many of the questions that surround this season of our lives.

I came to this new city believing that our future was planned out. Once I got here, I saw that the direction He has in mind is much different than the direction we thought we were heading. We thought we were coming to settle in a new land. However, God continues to whisper in our ears: this is your pilgrimage…

Modern Day Pilgrim: Roadblocks

Moving day had arrived (though not without its fair share of headaches and struggles). It has been said that moving is nearly as stressful as death and I would say that, after everything we experienced throughout the process, I understand the premise behind that statement.

Our plan when we listed the house was to try and be moved and settled in our new home at least a couple of weeks before the kids were to start school. I wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible and I knew that with all the changes on the horizon, the more time they had to adjust, the better. However, as time went by, I became more and more anxious. The first of August was approaching and the house had still not sold. That is when God stepped in and brought a couple across our path who were in need of a place to live.

Knowing they were to take possession on the first of September, we set out to find a new home. We were not able to find one and, once again, God proved himself faithful when friends of ours offered to take us in while we were searching for a place of our own.

Our well thought out plans had crumbled. We were scrambling at the last minute to pack, find a moving truck and get on with our new life. It appeared as though we had finally jumped the last of the hurdles, but even more roadblocks were just around the corner.

We were not able to find a moving truck on such short notice and so we had no choice but to hire movers. The only ones who were available in the near future were not free on the day we had planned to move. They were, however, free the day before. We now had only two days to pack up a five bedroom house.

Two very late nights later, our lives were finally being packed into a truck. This was a moment we had been longing for for ten years. We had dreamed about what it would be like to pick up and go. To start again somewhere else. To explore new territory and have an impact on a new region. Now that the day was here, it was difficult to muster up any excitement at all.

This was not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be heading off to my new home. Instead, most of what we owned would be going to storage. Our family of five would be living in three rooms for an indefinite amount of time. I was wavering back and forth between trying to convince myself good things were in store for us and ranting at God about how this was not fair. Why did it have to be this way?

Then, there was more bad news from the movers: they were not able to fit everything on the truck. We had to decide what would go and what had to stay behind until we could arrange to take another trip, rent another truck, and bring it up ourselves. My last shred of resolve broke in that moment and I began to be plagued with serious doubt. Have we made a huge mistake? Are we going in the wrong direction? Shouldn’t this be falling into place a little more easily? Fear gripped my heart when I realized that we may be heading in the wrong direction, but it was too late to turn around. We could not stay in our home because it was no longer ours. As I sat on the floor of our basement office, God revealed a truth to me that changed the way I saw the whole situation: sometimes the promise comes with a fight.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because sometimes, everything will line up against you and all you will have is what you believe God said. There will be moments when you will have to choose to fight for the promise or walk away. It is always important to pray and discern the work of the enemy from the leading of the Holy Spirit, but the theology that teaches that God’s will always falls neatly into place does much more damage than good. David had to struggle and fight and hold onto his promise long before he saw it come to pass. Joseph had to keep believing his dream from the jail cell. Abraham had nothing but the Word of the Lord to lean on when it appeared impossible.

If you have received a dream from God and you are facing opposition, pray and then fight. Pray that God will lead you and fight to take what is yours. It may not come easy but we were never promised it would be easy, we were promised we would overcome.

Are you facing opposition to your promise today?

Modern Day Pilgrim: The Detour

I used to think that if something is the will of God, everything will fall into place. Doors will fling wide open, opportunity will abound and the journey will be effortless. At some point along my walk, I became convinced that if there is a struggle to attain the promise, it must not be the right timing, the right direction or the right vision.

Now I know better. Shortly after God spoke to us about leaving Medicine Hat and brought a very broken couple into our home, we packed up and set out. We came to Red Deer, looking for a place to rent. That was the first step in a completely different direction than we were expecting to take. Our plan did not include renting. It included paying off debt and buying. Our plan was clean and simple; God’s plan was messy but full of grace and purpose.

We looked at house after house. There were times when we would show up and be told the house had already been rented. Sometimes, we could not possibly justify paying the prices people were asking for houses that were falling apart. There was only one that we would have even considered and even that one felt like a compromise. There was nothing wrong with the house or the price, it simply did not feel like our house. We talked. We prayed. We searched our hearts and could not come to a place of peace. We knew, however, that we might have to live there for a season while we looked for something else. At this point, we could not afford to be picky. School was starting in two weeks and I had still not registered my children. We both had jobs waiting for us and we knew they wouldn’t wait for ever.

In frustration, I sent a text to a friend of ours whom we had stayed with last time we were looking for houses. She offered to let us stay with them for as long as we needed. My pride flared up. “I am a grown woman with a husband and three children of my own. I don’t want to have to live with someone else. It is bad enough that I have to rent instead of buying a place of my own. I hate communal living.” I tossed the idea out almost immediately.

But it kept coming back. For a full day, my husband and I prayed and anguished over the decision to live with other people. “What would it mean for our kids? Will we have any privacy? How long will we have to stay there?” Eventually, we both faced the truth of what God was asking us to do. We did not understand why He was leading us down this path (we still only understand in part), but we knew it was a direction we needed to explore.

I would be lying if I said that from that moment on, everything fell perfectly into place. It would make for such a happy, fairy tale ending if I told you that right when we were about move in with our friends, an amazing opportunity presented itself; that it had all merely been a test of obedience. That was not the case. There have been many questions. “Why do we have to be here? What is this season all about? When will we be able to move on? We have already spent 10 years waiting, do we really have to wait more?”

As we stepped out to obey what we believed to be the call of God, things became even more difficult…

Modern Day Pilgrim: A New Path

 

I sat on the couch in my spotless family room, having coffee with a friend. As we talked, she kept commenting on the peace she felt in my home. While I knew the presence of God was there, my heart was no longer there. My house was finally on the market and my family was preparing to leave Medicine Hat. For ten years, we had hoped and prayed to move on. We had known for a long time that we were not at home there. Our hearts longed to take the next step in our journey, knowing that adventure awaited us around the corner. I was completely at peace with our decision to leave.

We had it all planned out. We would sell the house, pay off some of the debt that had been acquired while we lived as a one income family, and buy our next home in Red Deer. However, God had other plans for us. I looked across the couch at my friend as she told me of the struggles they were having in their current home. I knew that life was difficult for her and her family, but I had never realized just how difficult before that moment. As I listened to her, my heart began to cry out “Lord, I want to help. If you will make a way, they can have this house.” As much as I desired to help, I was not able to see a way. Our financial situation was bleak as it was and I felt helpless.

The days passed, the realtor continued to show the house, and still nothing happened. I continued to be reminded of my friend and her young family, struggling and desperate. I prayed for God to make a way if this home was to be their home. Then, one Sunday at church, we went to receive prayer for the sale of our home. Before he began to pray for us, the Pastor spoke a word that gripped our hearts and set our feet on a very unexpected path. He said “the couple that God is going to bring to buy your house is in torment. They need that home not because of the size or the kitchen or the location, but because of the peace that dwells there”. I knew he spoke of my friend but I still did not know how he was going to work things out since I knew her family was not in a position to buy. Little did I know that God was also speaking to my husband as well as her family.

The following week in church, she asked me what the word was that was spoken over us. When I told her, tears filled her eyes and she said “I believe we are your couple in torment”. God did not do things the way I expected or even wanted Him to, but because of His hand on all of our lives, they are now living in their new home and we are on a brand new path in brand new city.

From that moment on, I have been on a journey. Back to a place of bold, audacious faith. Back to believing that when God places a desire in your heart, He will fulfill it. Back to expecting Him to do the unexpected when I am not able to see a way out. Back to trusting His voice and holding on to what He says, no matter how dismal or impossible things appear. Back to partnering in the miraculous to see broken hearts restored and shattered hope renewed. My path since He first spoke to my heart about my friend has been full of twists and turns. Sometimes there has been doubt and most days I have no idea what He is up to. But I do know this: I never want to go back to predictable again.

This was just the beginning; join me as I share the story of a modern day pilgrim.

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Second Class Citizen

I recently decided to quit living as a stranger in a foreign land. For many years, I have had a sense of being on the outside looking in on the great things of the Kingdom. I have watched as those around me have accomplished more than I ever could have hoped for. They were living their dreams while I was trapped by mine. Yearning for more but stuck in the land of mediocrity and unfulfilled longing.

Before long, jealousy began to take root in my heart. Then bitterness. Then worthlessness. I went from being in love with God to feeling rejected by Him and by His people. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why couldn’t I make my life count for something? Why did God give me a dream I would never see come to pass? Was I going to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines, watching God move but never being invited into the game?

I found myself unable to really enter into the family of God. I was too busy comparing myself and my life to everyone around me. Insecurity and inadequacy were my constant companions, preventing me from enjoying the gifts others brought to the table. I had accepted my lot as a second class citizen in the Kingdom.

My vision had been tainted by my experience. I saw that God had two types of children:

Those He was truly proud of and those He simply tolerated.

Those He desired to lavish blessing on and those for whom He provided the bare minimum.

Those who walked in His favor and those who walked in the shadow cast by their siblings.

Those who mattered and those who merely existed.

I tried to overcome my orphan mentality. I tried to believe what the Word said about who I was. I tried to explain it away every time I saw someone walk in the blessing I was seeking. I tried to love God even though He treated me like an unwanted step child instead of a chosen daughter. But my efforts failed.

Nothing I said or did seemed to get my Father’s attention. My broken heart did not seem to break His. My desperate cries fell on deaf ears. My longing was left unfulfilled. My requests were overlooked. I did not belong in this family. God did not choose me, He was stuck with me.

I wish I could tell you that God broke into my life in a powerful, dramatic way and set me free from the prison of my heart and mind. I would love to say that I never struggle with feeling overlooked anymore. If I could, I would share how God released me fully into everything I have been waiting for and I have never looked back.

I can not say any of that. What I can say is that day by day, little by little, my heavenly Father is whispering in my ear about who I am. He is speaking truth into a minefield of lies. Some wounds are deeper than others. Some have been there longer. Some are proving to be more difficult to heal.

Now, I know that I am chosen. I know that I am loved. I may not be walking in everything I have been hoping for, but I am walking in the unfailing love of the One who created me. I am beginning to believe that what He brings is His best, even if it is not what I would have chosen. I am daring to step into the arena and connect with my brothers and sisters again. I am choosing to live like I belong here.

Do you feel like a Kingdom outcast today? Listen to the quiet voice in your heart, telling you: ‘you are chosen, you are loved, you are mine’. Nothing else matters.

Who is Your Aaron?

The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. Moses said to Joshua, “Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands.”

So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword. Exodus 17:8-13 NIV

Quitting is not an option. There are battles to be fought, wars to be waged and spoils to be claimed. Many times, the battles we are called to fight in the Spirit are being fought in order to contend for freedom, whether for ourselves or another. To surrender is to settle for less than what has been promised to us as children of God and co-heirs with Christ.

Freedom is a promise. It is for freedom that Christ died on our behalf. Freedom from addiction, oppression, and slavery. Freedom to walk in the fullness and abundance of life we are destined to walk in. Freedom from the torment of guilt, condemnation and worthlessness.

We are called to walk in freedom so that we may become carriers of freedom for others. Every small fight that is won in the Spirit has the potential to offer hope to someone who is still engaged in the battle. Every time we refuse to give in and give up, we are laying a foundation of strength to overcome the next battle and many more to come. When we will not relent, we will walk in victory. Yet, there will come a time when we are too worn out to stay in the battle.

What happens when we are too tired and weary to fight anymore? Have we lost the battle? Will we miss out on the promises of God simply because we are no longer able to hold our arms up? Has all the warring been in vain if our strength gives out in the last moments of the fight?

When your arms cannot stay up any longer, ask God to send you an Aaron. I am a fighter. I will often contend long after others have given up on the cause. When I believe God has promised something, I will not surrender until I see it come to pass. But the fight is proving to be too much for me in recent weeks. Praying and seeking and believing for years without seeing the fruit of my work has wearied my heart and sapped my strength. I have nothing left to give.

For this season, God has given me my Aaron. My husband Shane has fought his share of battles and I have fought along side of him for ten years. We have seen victory in many areas and are still waiting to see it in many more. Sometimes I have held his arms up and sometimes he has held mine.

The time has come for me to lean on my God and allow Shane to hold my arms up. I no longer have the strength to fight but God has not left me. Shane is still warring on my behalf and one day, we will see our Promised Land.

Who is your Aaron? Today, you need to know that it is okay to be weak and allow your arms to be held up by the faithful ones God has placed in your life. Your victory is on it’s way.

Are You Okay?

Are you okay mom? That is becoming a regular question around my home lately as my daughter is noticing that I have just not been myself. Many days, I feel as though I am losing the battle with fear, discouragement and condemnation. Struggles I long believed to have gained victory over have returned to the surface of my heart and mind with a vengeance, often leaving me weak and overwhelmed.

In these moments, every well meaning yet ultimately fruitless piece of advice I have been given over the years begins to run through my mind:

“When the battle is hardest, that is when you must press in to take hold of your victory”.

“You just need to read the Word more.”

“There is a lesson to be learned in this.”

“Maybe you have opened a door to the enemy.”

“I know a formula to break free from the curse you are under.”

“You should take this program, it worked when I was struggling.”

“You wouldn’t be facing this much opposition if you were not heading in the right direction.”

“It is a timing thing.”

“You need to change your heart.”

“If God was going to do it, he would have done it by now.”

And on and on the list goes. The result? I am confused and even more hopeless than I was to begin with. Is there some truth to these words? Perhaps. But I know one thing to be true: when I begin working myself into a frenzy to try and find the solution, I end up frustrated and, often times, angry with God for not coming to my rescue.

When I think He should be speaking clearly, He remains silent. When I seek answers, I am faced with more questions. When I believe my answer is on the way, I am met with yet another season of waiting. The days, months and years pass and still I am left longing for a breakthrough that seems more unattainable now than it ever has.

I don’t need Sunday school answers. I will not be set free by a formula. Answers offered in these times are often offered only because there is nothing else to say.

What do I need?

I need to wrestle with God. I need to ask the difficult and painful questions and find out if I am content with never getting the answers I am looking for. I need to face my fear. I need to look years of guilt and regret in the face and decide if I will continue to dwell or pick up and move on.

I need to settle in my own heart the issue of the goodness of God. If I never get what I long for, is God still good? Has he allowed me to waste ten years of my life hoping and waiting for a promise that was never mine to have? Is He truly willing to take the rubble of my life and turn it into something worth living for? Or has He withheld everything good from me?

I need to stop looking to people to fix me. I am not broken. I am not a project. I am a child of God. I struggle. I fail. I cry. I doubt. I judge. I quit. I screw up. And deep down, I hope.

I hope that I have not fallen too far to be redeemed. I hope that despite appearances and the opinions of others, my dreams will still come true. I hope that all the waiting and trying and struggling have not been in vain. I hope that breakthrough, as far off as it seems, has not eluded me.

Am I okay? As long as I never quit wrestling, I will always be okay.

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